I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
