This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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