Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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