I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
