Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just puked most of my soul out..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
