I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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