woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
