i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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