Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
