I'm so fucking centered right now
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize