I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
