You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
