He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
