just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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