I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
