Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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