Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
