fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
too bad you live with your parents still
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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