his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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