I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
