in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
