I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
