I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
