Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
