Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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