the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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