You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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