I just pynch a tree in the face
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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