i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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