i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
