i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
