What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
