I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
