You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
