Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
