Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
