I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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