the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
