You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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