Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
