my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
