I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
