Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We need to get me chipped asap
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
