Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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