when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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