I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
