I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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