watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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