goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
