8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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