dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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