Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
