I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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