just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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