I'm pants shitting drunk right now
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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