Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
