Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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