that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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