I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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