If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
