You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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