If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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