she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he thought i was a dude.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
